Monday, March 17, 2014

A letter never to be sent

This feels like a new lifetime. I'm not sure anyone is reading, but maybe I really would rather no one is. I just needed to air out the words.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Fill her

I'm in love with Sarah Kay.

Ok, so I'm more in love with her poetry than anything else and I love her for inspiring me to want to write again.

Watch the amazing-ness here...

Monday, July 23, 2012

aka: Hey, I just met you... and this is crazy


You unhinge me with your stare
Your eyes melting through the fa├žade
I try to keep for you
to think that I am cool.
My carefully practiced charm
starts to crumble
and I start to mumble
just to break the silence of your stare.

I wonder what you see
looking at me so thoroughly
at quiet interludes of stilled conversation.
I rack my brain for one more story
one more thing that can shield me
from your eyes that pierce through
all the masks that I can wear.

I wonder if you can see through
all the lies I feel I need
to get me through everyday.
Am I giving myself away?

So I look back down on my plate
trace random patterns on the surface
trying to keep a burst of courage
Til I can meet your stare.


Oh, yeah, I'll tell you something
I think you'll understand...

I blame the Beatles' song
on repeat inside my head
as we walk along the crowded hallway
arms brushing against each other
my heart starts to flutter
tempted to stay or move away
as tune reaches its chorus
putting my thoughts into song.

I wonder how our hands would look
clasped together, palms touching
fingers intertwined
to better contrast your skin with mine.
Will it pull you to me
or can it pull me in,
into deeper understanding,
the lines of your palms confessing
the story yet to pass your lips
in a language i can't decipher.

Or at least, not yet.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

row, row, row your boat; gently down the street...

A day with your old friends is like a day with your old self. Not the self you wanted to outgrow, or the self you can’t wait to get rid of, or that self full of angst and hate and teen-ridden anxiety... but that version of you that somehow drew these fairly-cool people into adding you into the circle of people they allow to share themselves to. And you share yourself in return. And though time and distance may get between you along with several un-replied to text messages and unending game of tag in social media, when you are with your friends, there’s a certain feeling of home.

So the past weekend has been an unending parade of rain. And unlike most people who were wise enough to stay home, I feel like i went everywhere with where the winds go. Note to self: no matter how desperate you are for a run, going 2 hours away while a tropical depression is in the country is never a good idea. No matter what Boom says.

So the last Saturday morning, I was up with the sun that didn’t really rise to indulge a friend’s running enthusiasm to get to a place near the ocean to eventually watch trees sway with the wind and catch a raindrops falling from almost every direction. We were witness to different levels of flood in different parts of the metro (thankfully, none reaching mid calf and that we were always somewhere a little drier). I came home like a drowned cat and with an incomplete story to tell – all primers, no plot. We achieved nothing that day.

Yesterday was curry and roti day. It was fun to hang out with Saberdey Buklab especially with how little we actually see each other these days. I don’t think I’m the only one who misses hanging out every Saturday in Booksale to hoard, exchange and talk about books over a cup of coffee and watch the sun set and stars appear in the fortified walls of Intramuros. Sometimes it sucks growing up. Anyway, I learned to make roti and realized how insanely fast kids actually grow when you’re not looking.

making bread with robin
well, she's not yet big enough to fit under the table...

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Now for some great chopping music...

It has been raining for an entire day.... it's amazing except when you're out there getting pummeled by thousand of cold raindrops while being whipped around by the wind.

I feel like I had nothing done today... hahaha. In truth, I was out of the house for most of the day dancing around with the wind and embracing raindrops and leaving my nth cheap umbrella some place where it hopefully was available to help someone to avoid being dripping wet on the way home... unlike me, 

Rain is best enjoyed with music and coffee... and though my preoccupation with downloading the latest idiotic app on my new-old phone, enjoy one of the things that made me laugh and appreciate music all over again... (now, where can i download JS Bach...)

Friday, July 20, 2012

from the ashes...

"It made her wonder if you could know a person only at a single moment in time, because a year from now or a day from now, he might be different. It made her wonder if everyone reinvented himself or herself, if that was as natural as other animals shedding their skin." Jodi Picoult, 10th Circle

Two years since I’ve been here last. I feel like I grew to be a different person in the vast silence of more than 700 days. But I’m back. I feel as if I need to be.

I feel like I hardly know myself these days. Like there is this widening chasm from the person I once was and to whom I am becoming, I haven’t decided yet if it’s something I like. In one hand, I no longer have the urge to dig out a rusty blade and carve poetry in the inside of my wrists; on the other, I also stopped carving my soul in paper and shaping this confusing mass into something I can make sense of. In some way, I miss the sleepless moments I struggle with the voice inside my head for some sort of meaning – that tinny voice that answered back in Rilke’s question you need to answer in the deepest and darkest of your day… Now, I have successfully drowned out myself.

I look around here and wish I could start again. I have forgotten what it feels like to begin, to see the blank page as free and untarnished rather than a bandage to cover for all the empty days and pages.

But it might be braver to continue.

… and less of a hassle.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

dreaming awake

lately, a lot of people have been asking me how i do it... How do i stay alive? or at least awake during an entire day? i don't know exactly... force of will?

when i started school last year, i knew sleep is gonna be a rare commodity enjoyed only on weekends and special holidays... i was right. sleeping for 4 hours a day now seems heavenly. waking up is a bit(&#!

for some reason. i'm still awake. i'm wasting time i should have already been sleeping just to indulge myself and post something... indulge in old habits that reminds me of who i was before i started trying to become something else.

one more year...