morbid!!!

i don't know what to say...

i realize, how others see me or how i act is so far removed from who i am when i write.

i feel as if i have two separate and entirely different personalities, both wanting to kill the other. i have already died a million times. no one understands that when i say it, but its true. and i consistently still want to kill myself. i'm afraid, one day i might actually have enough guts and stupidity to do it...

but enough of that...

for the coming days, i'd try to make my view of life more positive and uplifting. the key word is try! its like trying to subdue all doubts and, well, heretic thoughts inside a church and just focus on the slow procession of people getting in line to receive their weekly dose of salvation in a form of tasteless bread. it won't be easy, and i doubt i could keep it up. so what's the point, you ask, if i know i won't be able to keep it? well, its a lot like life, what's the point if you just die someday? the point is, at least for sometime i did try and at some unlucky fraction of eternity, i did live or rather exist.

and so my morbidity still shows through!

death is actually a very interesting subject. so is life, but almost everyone talks of life that they tire of it and take it for granted and almost everyone is afraid of death and of talking about it as if it would actually jump up and kill them. i realized the more you think of death, the more you feel the gravity and the importance of the fact that you are alive. the more you dwell on the transiency of life, the more you realize the importance and unimportance of everything else. the more you try to escape from these kind of thoughts, the more you delude yourself to the foolish security of your own invincibility. the fact is you die. its inevitable!

wow, very inspiring and positive!?!

as i continue to try turning my thoughts on more positive matters, i just remembered (more properly, i was reminded) the upcoming death anniversary of a friend who died a few years ago. there's nothing like a death to jolt you to remembering that you're alive and wasting it, especially if its a death of a contemporary, of someone as young/old as you are. its the sad fact of life that the world goes on its interminable stupidity even when you're crouched and crying in pain of how unfair it is.well, that's life and that's death. while your world crumbles or falls apart, you're still forced to smile, bear it and serve coffee to those who offer their condolences by playing all conceivable game of cards at your mourning doorstep.

again, very much inspiring, it inspires me to lock myself in my room, crawl under my bed pretend to disappear.

well, welcome to me!