aftereffects of lack of coffee and lack of sleep...

Another year in my useless life is about to come by to shake me up with guilt of not being anything yet and not going anywhere. Sheesh.

In fairness, I guess, I am somehwere and I am something now though something I’d newver have thought to be and somewhere is just where I let life lead me.

I have alwas thought that by twenty I’d either have everything worked out and I would know exactly what I want to spend my life as or I’d be dead because I’m not supposed to be anything after all. On the verge of being twenty, I’m in a limbo. I have no idea of where to go or what to do now… and obviously, I’m neither dead nor dying nor contemplating physically killing myself except in half-joking despair. What is to die but just to change? To shift from one consciousness to the next? What I need is to find something enough o live for and die for… a deeper purpose, meaning, something aside from this empty days filled with wasting time…

No, before anyone suggests it, I don’t believe that the answer to my lifelong ennui would be found in any best selling self-help book.

so now what…?

…

Now comes my weeklong leave from work. And while I’m pumped up by the prospect of having free days to do whatever, I’m plagued by the idea that most probabaly I would just waste away locked in my room reading and living out my normal loner life emerging from the vacation none the wiser.

I’d most probably look for a school to waste four more years of my life in pursuit of something that might give me a clue to what I am truly supposed to be doing. If not, at least I got myself an education. It does feel that way somethimes… that I’m only going back to school to waste time, go through the motions so to speak. Skipping college, I feel like I missed out on a very crucial and life changing phase and that once again I jumped ahead and forced myself to just get along without it. I probably missed out on a lot of things that was supposed to build my character and resolve to be something. Now, at almost twenty, I am part of a world I’m cramming to understand. Well, it’s not terribly hard but I still feel as if I’m just a spectator to things happening around me… just going with the flow of things.

I want to feel alive, not just be. I want to dedicate my life to something worthwhile. I need something that requires more of me than push me to the edge and be more. To be tired and happy and overwhelmed with all that I have to do but see that what I’m doing actually changes the world or just someone else’s life and not just mine. Heck! Whatever…

So I say farewell to adolescence, to default reasons and arguments for stupidity, to the careless living a day at a time… now, I need to take life seriously…

What a joke.

...

I need a life.