stasis

I sat down in front of the computer thinking I have a lot to say, opened a word document and everything flies out. I wish I had an exciting adventure full life to regale you or even clever stories and witty thoughts I just came up with while staring at the blinking cursor in the glaringly bright blank sheet in front of me. I remember days and nights spent agonizing over worn out notebooks I proudly called journals and wishing I can shut my thoughtas of and finally go to sleep and break the curse of pathetic insomnia. Of course I was also in a different mind set those days… angst, my constantly irritating companion. I’m more happy go lucky now. Sedate. Placid. Uncaring. Indifferent. Aloof. Maybe I finally fried my brain. Oh, well.

For some reason I wanted to update my blog. I actually have a handful of blogs I have forgotten passwords to time and again and abandoned thru time to focus on achieving the once sought after state of catatonia. These days, even if I’m awake I still feel like I’m sleepwalking. Sleepwalking through my nights while I pass out during the day and wake up for a brief moment just to submerge myself back to the unreality of the new novel I’m reading unconsciously taking note of how soon I’d finish it agitated in looking for one more to fill the interminable inactivity before I have to actually get up and go to work. My days are filled with nothing, I’m not proud to say… though not really minding it either except for some brief moments of realization that there’s a world out there beyond the four (five? six?) corners of my room, then I snap out of it and sleep it off. What happened to the fierce exclamations of ‘carpe diem’ and living life to the fullest, you ask me. I don’t know. Somehow it’s a bit frightening to even think that I don’t really care that much anymore. Feels even worse when it rings true.

Anyway, depressingly mundane things aside… well, I don’t really think there’s anything else aside from the depressingly mundane. Hahaha. It’s too funny how utterly hopeless this is. I just realized what a sad existence I’m living out because I still can’t come up with a reasonable explanation of how this stagnant existence is actually not as dreadful as it sounds. But then it really is not as bad as it seems to be. I’m well, relatively content to just watch the world go round, living vicariously through paperback novels and online fiction, exploring worlds and minds of people through the worlds they imagined.

But (here comes the glaringly obvious point I’m trying to gloss over) I leaving my own life to waste it seems… I feel guilty. Well, not guilty that I decline invitations to impromptu drinking sessions after work or even innocent breakfasts in usually expensive restos after shift. Not guilty that I spend more time being active in the office, around people I can tolerate going home tired and sleepy rather than going home on the dot and just engorging myself on mindless and pointless tv shows until I feel braindead or exhausted enough to sleep.

See, I think I’m still waiting for ‘life’ to begin even though I know that the world doesn’t work that way and the basic principle of physics is that anything would not move unless you apply force behind it. Yeah, the cognitive knowledge is there, I know and accept it as true but still stupidly wait for some kick that would propel my life to motion. The stupid thing is, a small part of me isn’t really sure if I want it to start. Today is real. It’s also simple, usually manageable, routine, comfy and safe. Most importantly, it’s safe. Safe from what? I really have no idea. So I go on reading about great adventures or even completely ordinary settings filled with deep insights borne of pain and chaos and conflict and I sit in my bed in my locked room completely removed from anything that could threaten the stillness of my existence. Live vicariously, said every one who has ever been great. I sit in the sidelines in awe, clapping and cheering my head of to afraid to follow… or too lazy and filled with rational yet empty excuses?

Fear or Laziness, asks director Richard Linklater in his rotoscoped animated movie Waking Life, which is the most universal human chracteristic?

(oh yeah, watch the movie… so cool)

listening to Go with the Flow by Queens of the Stone Age, which a xian asked me to listen to with his new zune. i should get one and just drown myself again in music shutting off the world beyond my earplugs... apathy and disinterest plus solitary absorption to music only i can hear... yeah, why not... dismissing the world one step further...