the overdue horror story

i have been wanting to update for awhile...

okey, not 'wanting' that's easy enough. i've been planning to though. it seems like a lot has happened without anything actually happening. like a side of life suddenly kicked into high gear, unfortunately it is one i don't feel ready for. life is funny that way... exasperatingly funny.

i know, i'm being vague, but when have i ever not been?

anyway, a long overdue story i haven't yet told to all you folks (that would be about the two or three people who deigns to read this...) is how i came to end my experiment with alcohol. yes. finally, i have gotten myself drunk. (about a month or so ago actually... i meant it when i said overdue)

it all begins with the fateful words 'team bonding'. at least that is what i called it, after all it was the first time most of my team would get together with the immortal invitation of 'inuman tayo!' and i, being the easily convinced person that i am, was one of those who trekked to some almost unknown part of the world to a teammates house. it began easily enough, i really have no inclination to drinking too much except in the sometimes harmful spirit of camaraderie. the suspect was a common brand of brandy. we were noisy even before the first bottle was opened chatting about work related dramas (and comedies, depends on where you are looking at it). we had food enough from a local grocery meaning canned goods and the eternal pancit canton plus iced tea mix for gallons.

further in the evening, a guitar came out and being the music loving freaks that we are, there was an impromptu jamming session. our numbers and noise were dwindling by that time not because they went home or anything but i think they took turns puking in the bathroom. i didn't really care much, i was part of the jamming crew and those still hogging the food and unending topics on the table. then i think i sat back or stood up to go to the bathroom.

next thing i knew after a round of singing a few lyrics to half-forgotten red hot chili peppers songs, i woke up on a strange bed, alone, with my bag on my foot and my shoes under the bed shivering in cold. what the hell happened? i cannot even now remember. i have heard of horror stories of what people do under the influence and rationalizations that you can not really forget what you were doing and all that but i'm not kidding when i said my memory is wiped clean. before waking up i had a vague sense of puking by the bed with someone rubbing my back. i checked, the floor was clean and dry. hmmm, that could've been easily cleaned. i was desperately trying to recall everything... anything. no luck. i waited shivering until morning.

as the light came by the horizon so was the happenings of the previous night told to me, slowly but not really making it any easier to accept or digest. (andrama, hindi ko maintindihan sarili ko ng pangungusap...) our host, N looked at me disbelievingly when i said i don't remember what happened. i guess it would be pretty amusing from her point of view but it's unnerving to not know. as i went with her to buy breakfast, she recounted how everyone apparently made fools out of themselves. it was a bit of a relief that i wasn't the only one and that i fell asleep preventing further instances to look stupid. but after breakfast, things turned serious.

according to her, i went up to their group by the kitchen saying i'm not feeling good. there was someone at the bathroom so i leaned by the sink trying to keep myself together. someone shouted 'picture' and there i was with them looking oddly sick. (no, i burned all evidences, any attempt to look for it would be futile) then she suggested that i lie down for awhile. obidiently i did then i apparently everything i've been eating and drinking came out on the side of the bed. then, she said, started crying and with the ominous words 'i don't know why i'm telling you this...' i spilled my life.

i was stunned to say the least when she finished. the inevitable questions arose, the same worries echoed while the familiar pain came back. all the masks came off uselessly. its stupid to be that honest and defenseless. it was cruel to be that person again, being justified once more into useless anger over circumstances long forgone with hopes of being forgotten. questioning the inaction and placidity of just leaving everything be. it was like stirring water when finally all the dirt has settled. after trying to salvage what little composure was left of me, i went home dazed, crawled back to my hole trying to pretend none of it really happened.

so there... the experiment is over. i wanted to know what i would be like drunk, i found out. it's not worth it. it seems unfair that the only instance i have been that thoroughly unguarded and i can't even remember how it felt, if it even felt liberating to pour you heart out... it was like the repressed me finally surfaced with all the bitterness and anger i thought i have been able to diminish. everything is just a shell and it seems i've also been fooling myself. it's like i'm back to zero. is it any wonder i took this long to write about it? even now i'm still shaken at how everything i was fell apart again. no, i don't ever want to lose control like that anymore.

life went on, fortunately leaving me to my own thoughts again as i attempt to quiet them. the next morning, it's like nothing happened. the same smiles and greetings, the same masks. it doesn't matter anymore, i could always pretend not to care...

it seems i'm pretty good at that, at pretending.