The photocopier is in love with me or the world really has a sick sense of humor.
I noticed it yesterday morning while I was waking it from its slumber. Yesterday feels like a million lifetimes ago (was it really yesterday? how many hours have I been awake already?). I need to photocopy hand outs for my first day of training for a project I probably know more than I even stare at the back of my hand. The photocopier took its time warming up, languidly basking in my impatient stare. Then it finally begins! I walk back to my station at the middle of the room. Midway, I heard it beep for me missing me already. One of the papers I need to photocopy has been stuck on the tray. I patiently sort it out thinking nothing of it. I walk off and sit back down in front of my station to surf the wonderful world of web pages. A couple of minutes later, the photocopier beeped angrily again, jealous of the attention I lavish on my computer. Another piece of paper is stuck somewhere inside the darn thing. I sort if off again, mildly irritated, toner crawling deep under my fingernails. It hums back to life at my touch. I smile and leave to make coffee. On my way back, it beeps again. It is out of paper. Thus begun the treasure hunt of clean bond paper to feed the insatiable beast... The rest of the people around me were unaware of the battle. Aside from the HR employee staring at the machine bringing a small stack of paper wondering when I will be through so that he can photocopy his 2 valid IDs for the credit card application you could get at the guard’s desk in our reception area. I have no idea which moron or genius left those pamphlets there nor do I even know if and when they check up on it to check if some idiot has signed up and left the application with the guard. Not that I am one of those, I faxed mine in. anyway, when the small stack of paper was gone, he left. I patiently waited for him to return with a ream of paper to finally end the paper hunt. He never came back. I was alone with the photocopier beeping at me from time to time.
Long story short, I somehow survived after a few more errors and stuck pieces of paper. By the time I was done, I have seen to the very soul and skeleton of the machine. My fingers stank of powdered toner. But I was relatively unscathed.
This morning, after eating breakfast with a long lost ex-officemate and co training officer, I stretched and readied myself and the hand outs that I would need for tonight, the 2nd day of training. I approached my new found friend o foe, depending how you look at it. A minute after I began, the monster beeped. No more paper, again. I sighed and began the eternal quest for the person responsible for the paper stock. I found my old ally, the HR employee. He told me to go on the other floor and have someone get me some from the stock room. I trekked the stairs. I found the person he said for me to look for. She didn’t have a key. I trekked back to the HR guy; the key is with his ID. I flew back downstairs, to the well protected chamber of office supplies treasure. I got my box of paper. I wanted to clap in triumph but it was heavy. I rambled upstairs looking well dignified in my smart casual outfit and whiteboard marker messed hands cutting through a group of applicants better dressed and cleaner than I am while lugging my hard won box of paper. I load it in the machine. I walk off to enjoy our free internet access. The machine beeped. I try to ignore it and the blinking red eye it was flashing in its corner like a wounded animal. I succeed for about ten seconds. A paper was stuck in 4 places. I sighed and went on to unearth the buggers from different parts of the photocopier labyrinth stupidly scalding myself in those hot metal parts in an effort to finish this and win the battle against equipment ineptitude. Repeat about 4 times. I am not kidding. I try to go on with my life. The photocopier beeps again. I run my hands on its hard surface unyielding under my whiteboard marker and toner stained and scalded hand. Paper stuck on the paper tray. I open it and find no problem. It beeps again. I open it again and lo and behold, a paper floats out of position a bit crumpled. I sigh as it trembles back to life. Another minute later, same problem, same magic trick. Repeat about four times more. I stare at the clock. Its midnight in my Eastern time existence, high noon for all you with less vampiric lifestyle. I sigh dejectedly again. Morning shift people are wondering why I’m still there. I am wondering what I am still doing at the office 6 hours after my shift ended. A few more minutes later the photocopier beeps me away from suicidal contemplations like a cackle of laughter announcing it’s finally done playing with me. I search for my trusty stapler to finish the job. There’s no staple wire. I search the entire office scavenging for staple wire like a play station game where you search for bullets. The zombies of fatigue are catching up to me.
Well, I survived. I always preferred to go home a bit later than immediately after the shift, but this was ridiculous. The morning jam that usually greets me when I stepped out of the office has dwindled to a trickle of vehicles running nowhere near where I’m heading. The rain that threatened and began to fall during breakfast has long gone. The earth is dry and dusty once more longing for its coolness again. The wind is still there just a bit stronger than a breathed whisper. The sky is still overcast and grayish. I want to think it stopped the rain from falling until my tired bones an aching muscles has settled into my first true love, my soft bed taken for granted in the battles of my East Coast day, night for all you unfortunate individuals with a weird fascination with being asleep and awake at the wrong times of the 24 hour period. As I got down from the jeep, cats and dogs fell from the sky. So much for celestial or at least meteorological favor…
And as I lay my head down for the most needed sleep, my mind won’t shut up until I record this infamous day. Or at least that’s what I guess is the cause of this particular bout of insomnia. And I wish to the supremely egoistic (human) beings above like the clouds or even the person on the moon, may I not wake up to suffer another pointless battle or just even wake up at all…
Er, no, wait til I finish my training… or let me check my calendar for when I could be available for eternal slumber… in 3 months okay with you?
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