spell it out

For those who know me, I have this stupid fondness of writing my whole name. I get the entire thing that I don’t really need to spell out even my middle name and that it I really do not wan to be referred to with my second name I should probably just leave it out completely. I don’t even particularly like my name (someone commented it’s too girl-y as opposed to my entire character). I didn’t even use it here and I don’t think I have even mentioned it either (I have forgotten if I had). But I like writing out my whole name. I like the feel of my pen moving along its well known arcs and dips, the evenness and weight of it. I feel as though even if I have no idea of who I am, that jumble of words not of my choosing somehow defines me. As if it could fill that empty gap of my existence with its illusory meaning and presence.

I like definitions. I crave meanings. I’m uncomfortable with vagueness, with things not making sense. I like understanding things, making rational and logical conclusions to be able to fully grasp a concept. I know most people hate labels and stereotypes but I find myself seeking them out. Label me. Tell me who you think I am so I could know what you think me to be and surpass your expectations. Label me so I would know what label to rebel against, so I would know what boundaries I could struggle against. I crave stereotypes to have something define me while I fruitlessly struggle to find my own meaning, my own definition.

The thing is, no matter how much I like definitions, it feels like I unconsciously shy away from it when it comes to saying defining who I am. Can you wrap up a person, a character, a personality, in a collection of thoughtfully stringed out words and sentences? Can you capture a moment and reproduce it in its purity with pages of script? Can you bottle up the magnificence of sunrise in a few intangible letters and recreate the blush of the sky kissed by the early light? I can’t and to be completely honest, want to be able to. To be able to do that is what I desire most. To capture the beauty of the universe and reflect it in words… but I can’t even start and do it for myself.

Forgive the ramble.