*twang*

i just turned to a new age. a new year in my life has just begun. but i don't want to grow up yet...

well, not that anyone is forcing me. i'm just stressing about it, probably unnecessarily even.

it feels weird. i don't feel it yet, the shift that i program myself into. i am usually on leave each year on my birthday, this is probably the only time i spent it at the office in the presence of other people for as far back as i care to remember. i don't feel it's real unless i really sit down or sink myself into feeling it. a sort of 'congratulations/condolence, you're still alive' thing i do to myself while filling journal pages of random realizations of what i've become or what i need to be. i need to realign my perspectives. i need to wallow in the dark and depressing side of myself. i need to feel that hollow part of me that i've been covering up with whatever, sink into that part of myself i'd rather not remember and find the reason and motivation again to rise back up and continue living each day and being awed by each moment once again.

a friend told me i need to see or witness or be in the presence of something so wonderful i would be in awe. i need awe.

or i'm probably overthinking everything again. i do that a lot.
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randomness...

OMG! (wow, i use that?) a real close friend, one of my bestfriends from highschool is pregnant. heidz, i still can't get over the fact that you're already married and now you're gonna be a mom!