A letter never to be sent

This feels like a new lifetime. I'm not sure anyone is reading, but maybe I really would rather no one is. I just needed to air out the words.





Sometimes I feel as if I give too much, put too much effort to stay afloat. A common quote a friend always says keeps running in my head: The one who loves less controls the relationship. But I never wanted for this to be about control. I don't care much for power play (I get enough of that drama in the office). And seriously, if you want control that much, I'm more than happy to concede.

But I still feel that nagging doubt in the back of my head, a deep seated insecurity that translates to paranoia: Am I good enough? Is your feelings for me real? or would it fade away after a some time and be treated like a joke I took to seriously? A game? An experiment? "I just wanted to try it out... but it didn't work out" The cold sweat runs through me contemplating the possible ways the universe be messing with me... why should I expect it not to?

I don't know if you notice how careful I hold you sometimes. Like I'm making sure I hold you firmly to me but not too much that you struggle in my grasp. Like trying to keep the sand from flowing through your fingers. I see you slowly slipping away sometimes and I don't know how to catch you and keep you in my grasp. Or if I should. 

You have mentioned several times recently that maybe you should let me go. The distance is a terrible monster challenging our fledgling relationship. I hate it. Not the distance but the doubt I sense in that statement. I hate the lack of confidence in our ability to make this work and in the almost giving up attitude it presents. It only takes one of us to decide to open their hand and we would be lost to each other and I don't want it to be like that. I hate the half-hearted conviction, the passive agression behind the statement. It feels like a question, a challenge... an offer. Even as a joke, as a fleeting thought, an offhand statement... I feel panicked and devastated all at once. Like being overwhelmed by a sudden huge wave just when you think you're finally learning to swim in deep waters. You struggle and fight against it, holding in desperately your the last gulp of air flailing wildly for anyone, anything to save you.

And then you say you love me. A ray of light in my dark thoughts, a lifeboat when you're drowning. I ride that high as long as it could last, repeating the words over and over in my head, savoring each digitally transmitted sound that was used to utter it, each micropixel of image used to spell it out. I bury the darkness and refuse to acknowledge it. I will keep on believing that you meant every word, that what you say is the only truth. I will keep insisting that it is enough.