absence

i have stood aside to see the phantoms of those days go by me. they are gone, and i resume the journey of my story. - David Copperfield, Charles Dickens.

i feel as if it has been a lifetime since i last updated my life in these pages of unread history. its not really my style or in my patience to keenly take note of everything i do in my life (mainly, because i do nothing...).

anyway...

i don't know what to say. during the past two weeks, i tested my limits on physical exertion to see how long i could go without sleep. i went as long as 50 hours straight, but for lack of anything to do and with the voice of my conscience shouting at me, i turned in at 7pm sunday. i as awake since 5pm friday. not bad!

aside from bouts of insanity and masochism, i realized once again the wealth of knowledge you could get from everywhere. after a breakfast bash in red ribbon katipunan with officemates, we were stacked up in a car trying to find our way back to more familiar roads. we got into talking about religion since one of us claims to be an atheist. considering myself to be on the thin line between belief and unbelief, i was curious with his philosophies and how he came to the conclusion of atheism. another was a student of vedantic philosophy, the rest were believers. a full scale debate raged on! it's interesting how devoted one could be to what one so faithfully believes in. i guess that's the power of belief. as Francis Bacon said "eventually, all philosophy leads to religion", i get that now.it doesn't mean that all philosophy someday, somehow leads to God, it means all philosophy, all your personal philosophies in life or anything, would soon be like a religion to you. you follow it closely and guard it from external influence that you deem unfit.
mainly, what i got from all that hullabaloo is a promise from two people to lend me books on atheistic and hinu or vedantic philosophies. not bad!

you could be surprised at what you learn everyday if you give yourself the chance. that day i went home feeling excited with the thought of once again exploring through different thinkings anf looking for/finding God. before going to sleep, i thought, maybe that should be my mission in life, to continually look for Him, anywhere or everywhere. i guess that might just be after effects of lack of sleep.

the same nightmares still haunts me at waking moments. i can't erase the past nor undo it but i hope never again to remember... as if! i realize, i'm tired of not talking about it. that not talking increases its hold on me. but who could i turn to? who could i talk to? the main question is, could i?