lashing out

i should be home by now. i should be, finally, taking a well-deserved rest after a long day of work and an even longer week of pressures, hassles and unnecessary headaches. but i'm here, trying to waste away another afternoon and somehow pour out all excess stress left over as well as the uncalled for alcohol now present in my system after, once again, agreeing on a spur of the moment plan of going to the goodbye party of a former teamleader from work.

i guess it is hard to just pretend to be okay all the time even though you're not. that's my biggest problem; i don't show my problems. it doesn't mean that i don't show my troubles that i don't care for anything at all. if i don't show my problems, stress, insecurities and even inconsequential headaches, it doesn't mean that i'm immune to it. heck, don't start believing when i say i'm not human! even though i try not to be, i'm not yet blessed with ethereal powers of turning myself to a forgotten memory.

eversince i could remember, i have not been such a believer of displaying your emotions. i think its damn stupid to make reservations toward other people since they tend to easily get hurt and cry. i'm so sorry that you can't make me break down and succumb to my knees in front of you, but it pisses me off that you could be so darned sensitive to others feelings and feel as if i'd just understand your every whim just because i know the stress you're going through and i can handle my own though you can't. newsflash: we work for the same company, what i do is probably a lot harder than what you're doing since i do whatever comes into your cluttered mind that you think is vaguely helpful, i could think for my own and yes, i'm put here because i've proven that, and however grave your headache is, it doesn't reserve you the right to trample over me while tiptoeing on others feelings, aside from the fact that its not fair, i won't just understand that. be the bigger man sometime, my being younger than everyone else doesn't reserve me the right to act immaturely, you're being in a higher position that almost everyone else doesn't reserve you the right to be an ass.

okey. so obviously, work has taken me away for quite sometime and that the past few weeks have been sort of troubling. well, okey... a lot more affecting than i would claim and admit to.

aside from that, i find myself sad since my original batchmates are graduating... i'm extremely happy for them, but i feel this nagging emptiness. somehow, i imagine how happy i could be feeling if i was also one of those excited and scared of an uncertain future that lay ahead of me. i feel as if i've missed do much of what they've been through; all of those i wish i had also been through, with them. i feel as if a big chunk of life has passed me by. i feel as if i cheated myself from something that good. as if there was anything i could do about it... but what have i ever done but just let things run their course...

haay...