drift on by

I have been in two graduations in the past 2 weeks. Some of my friends are also graduating this afternoon. It is almost like a huge breath being let out to graduate from college. It’s like they’re breathing ‘Finally…’ then they go and jump the world to pursue their laid out plans and fulfill their destiny. I am not even at school yet. I am still procrastinating and trying to justify why I even need to go back and why I just have to do so. I still have no clear answer.

I have been working for three years already. Time that has just seemed to flow as I float by trying to disregard that small voice in the back of my mind urging me to go back to school to find my destiny. Can I really find what I need and want to do in my life in a boxed classroom listening to a drone of voices telling me nothing else that I would need to be able to function properly in the real world? But then the imagined scene of a classroom sweltering in summer’s heat while a professor speaks about the beauty of the world you want to fully grasp, while you fling ideas of the world in that cramped space with people just as passionate as you are about learning, the sweet frustration of trying to grasp anew concept and the exhilaration when you do… I love that. I missed out on the entire week-long stress that deadlines for term papers ensue. I didn’t get to go through that despair of trying to come up with a decent thesis with classmates that had become a part of your life because of the close contact you’re forced to suffer as you spend night after night in each other’s company. I missed that cramming you’re supposed to do while laughing and hanging out with your friends over inane and unnecessary stuff when they’re supposed to be helping you study. I missed out on life as it seems. And in that course of life, I missed that inner revelation near the end of it all that, finally, makes you perfectly sure you know what you’re going to do for the rest of your life.

I want that… that sense of purpose. The feeling that even if the world turns right side up, you know what you are in it. Like in Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead, “Howard Roark, Architect’. I want that definition as well. I envy that certainty. I crave that passion for something, for anything.

Summer break has started. If what I really want is to get back to school and live through all those moments I feel like I’ve missed, and a million more… I need to start now. Is that what I want?

Where am I going?