fast breaks

What are your goals? asked our trainer sometime before the year began. I just fumbled through to scrounge up a decent answer.

Honestly, I don’t have goals. I wouldn’t even sweat it if not for the fact that it is seemingly important to have some, to have any at all. I guess its importance never really struck me. I’m content with living a day at a time, content even with the idea that tomorrow might or might not come. I drift along calmly allowing life to lead me where it may.

But what do I want in life? I have no idea. What am I supposed to want? What am I even supposed to expect? What am I supposed to reach for and strive at? Isn’t the though of just enjoying life because I am alive enough?

At these moments I can’t help but feel insecure of the people who know exactly what they want in life even if there seems to be absolutely no chance of them ever getting it. I have weaned myself off wishful thinking early on. Venturing out to try dreaming of grand ideas of what I want to be or where I want to go is immediately smacked down by logic, common sense and darkly humorous disdain for the absurd. A friend told me once to think up of what I really wanted to be before I realized it’s impossible and aim for that. But then no matter how much I would be willing to stretch my belief, there is no way I could be a space explorer sent to investigate the otherside of blackholes… not unless I get sucked into a world where sci fi is real. Anyway…

Am I being to negative?

The thing is I don’t expect anything from life. I don’t even want to expect anything from anything. I can already hear echoes in my head of random people telling me to trust in life more and not to doubt too much. But then it has nothing to do with doubt bor with (deeply ingrained) cynicism, it’s just survival instinct.

A week of one meal days just finished. Fasting at the start the year aims to focus ourselves on God and believing for the breakthroughs He would bring for the year ahead. What am I expecting? What do I believe for? I find myself locked in this mentality of self reliance and isolation. Maybe that would be what I need to be freed from. More than praying for blessings in finances or career or relationships or success, that is too easy. Rather, I pray to be freed from this defeatist outlook which I can never overcome left on my own. I pray for myself.