sailboats

I was with my college friends this Sunday. We met up to attend the Christening of one of our friend’s baby (shout out to Vaughn Aleczander, as if it could get to you). It has been more than a couple of years since I last saw any of them. It was nostalgic to hang out with everyone again and just spend an entire day not locked up in my room or my own little world.

Have you ever felt that the world has moved on and swept past without you? It felt like that for a bit with them. It’s like they’ve all grown up and became adults with talk of marriage and family and children and life … while I’ve been so caught up in my own little world and cocoon of existence unable and unwilling to grow up and get past adolescence. I guess that happens. I still feel like a bumbling idiot most of the time unsure and awkward with myself and stumbling to get through everyday in my so-called life. They live in the everyday world I’ve shielded myself from with unusual hours and juvenile mentality. I’m proud of my friends for what they’ve become: their own person. I can’t help thinking, when will I rise up to do the same?

I guess the problem is I’m too immersed in the familiar and the common, I bask in it afraid of what else there is. Standard slacker: I prevaricate around life and just deal with what is comfortable and easy. I push through when needed then merrily go with the flow for most part. I can’t really say what’s terribly wrong with it but I’m not going anywhere. Same old rebuttal, where do I want to go? Where do I want to end up? Still unable to answer, I sail languidly through existence none the wiser.

I’d like to argue “but I’m a dreamer…” like some idiot that spends an entire day sleeping or like the Peter Pan archetype in fiction, unwilling to grow up. There’s always this kid in me innocently curious about the world yet scared and tentative. In a sense, there’s really nothing wrong in that (clap your ands if you believe in fairies) especially if you aren’t really stepping on anyone’s toes to do so. Blame it on laissez-faire values.

‘One life, one chance in happiness’ as someone I forgot said. I see a bit of my friends’ lives and wonder with a bit of agitation if and when would I even get there. I can’t even imagine it and I don’t know if I should be relieved or comforted or frustrated brushing it all off with a nervous laugh. A small voice in me can’t help thinking it would have been a better use of my time if I slept the afternoon off rather than worry endlessly about this. And so I sail along life again wherever it may take me … merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream, eh?