this sucks!!!

i hate seasons or dates that forces you to feel something. its dec. 25, its christmas, i'm supposed to be happy... and i just wish to sleep this day off altogether. is it a sin to feel down when you're supposed to feel light and happy and joyful? let's stop all the crap! i won't delude myself to the falsity or to shallow pretensions of happiness. batteries are sold separately.

i guess the main reason i feel as crapped out as i am is that i just did this stupid mistake. now one of my closest friends is angry at me. i understand the apprehension and the reason for her anger. i knew what i did was wrong. it was all just so stupid.

i feel i might be putting out too much on this. 'this' meaning the online community i find myself belonging too, BB. i spend so much time with them that i fail to keep in touch with my real friends. after almost 3 days out of the house, i feel so tired, stressed out and drained. a lot has happened. at some point, i can't even believe i was part of all the commotion, or far worse, i am one of the movers. i have never been like that in real life. i am a passive follower waiting for someone to call the shots. at BB, sometimes i'm the only one calling the shots. the tricky thing is, i barely know these people... they barely know me!

the moment i stepped home, while all i want to do is just catch up on sleep, i learned that one of my barkada just came down from PMA and was looking for us and inviting us to just hangout at their house. i missed doing that. i missed him. i missed our barkada so much... i slept. i feel so guilty that i can't even force myself to spend time with those people whom i have shared the best and the worst of my life with, the people whom through thick, thin and years of separation and virtually no communication, still remain as true a friend as there could be. i focus so much on things i am unsure off.

so... do i stay in one place and decay or grow roots or do i fly off to unknown dangers to learn how to fly? if i stay, how do i know anyone would be there with me? if i try to spread my broken wings, would anyone be there to catch me as i slam wretchedly to the ground? can't i just die and get this shit over with!?!

...
merry christmas...?